Long before we heard of S.A.D. (seasonal affectice disorder) my friends noticed that around this time of year someone would get the blues, or as we'd call it, "January Sickness." It usually rotated around with different people having it each year. I seem to have a case of it this year and it came on pretty suddenly. Or maybe it's a temporary funk, who knows. It's just a bunch of things: the anniversary the other day and the realization that some people remember my mom better than I do, having to go back to work, having to leave my baby, feeling like the odd man out and out of synch, too many days where Joshy needs to be held all the time and I can't get anything done, feeling like I'm not doing a good job as a parent, tired of listening to the crying and not being able to get the laundry/dishes or anything done, etc. etc, etc. There are so many things to be happy about (lots of new babies, a new job, weddings coming up) and lots of other people that I know who are having a harder time, not to even mention those I don't know suffering the effects of the Tsunami. I realize I have no right to complain and feel bad, but I just feel really trapped lately. Trapped into doing things that I don't want to do, trapped into the same old same old all the time, trapped by not having money right now. And I just don't feel like I fit in these days. My opinions are always different than everyone else's, I'm just off. A round nut in a square world. My 2005 is off to a great start!
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I think I had my January sickness early this year, so not only do I know how you feel but I have been there recently. It's hard to come up with a smile, even when there is something normally you'd smile about. Interacting with others is like watching the world around you as though they are on T.V. and you can't get to them. What's very frustrating is, you are actually TRYING to get to them and think they see you, but they don't. That's how it feels in part to me, anyway.
But let me tell you something, Your Royal Highness (we have to start implementing that sometime ;)...I see you!
All these things getting you down will pass soon, although it seems like they won't ever right now. It's all hovering over you and standing on your chest at the same time. It's Sunday sickness and January sickness all wrapped up in a funk! Plus, being a mommy to a baby is so demanding that everything else has to be put on hold for a while and that is hard to do (even showering sometimes)! But, one by one, things will start clearing and Joshua soon enough will be playing more and more and that will be fun to see as well as easier on you. And, you'll be back at work and money will be less tight. Hang in there! In the meantime...I'm right here to talk or whatever. And, I know how to get my hands on dark chocolate, good coffee, or red wine, whichever we might need!
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