Four Months Old

Look at me, I'm Mr. America

Words Women Use…and what they mean

"Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
"Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
"Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
"Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
"Loud Sigh"
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"That’s Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
"Thanks"
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it; just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Paige-isms from the weekend

As I did with my mother she hates it when I talk about her, so I'm just going to post this for those of you who haven't heard it yet. This way I will still get to tell people the cute and funny things she says and she won't feel weird listening to me talk about her. Here are 2 great stories from this weekend.

Martin Luther King Day
I was trying to give Paige and appreciation of the man, the holiday and why she had the day off of school. And if you know me you know that "justice for ALL" is a big thing with me. I could not agree more with Dr King's statement of judging a man by the content of his character not the color of his skin. And because of certain events in my past it is really important that I teach this lesson to my children. That said, I was telling her about how there were separate schools and separate restaurants and punctuating each of these with "Isn't that CRAZY?!" And Paige would say, "Yeah, that's CRAZY!!" And so when I was finished she said, "So like if we were out to eat with Daddy, because you know-Daddy is kinda black, only let's pretend that Daddy wasn't just kinda black, let's pretend he was all black, and they said we couldn't eat with Daddy, that would be CRAZY!" I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants! I let her know that Daddy isn't black, he's "olive" skinned. But she was exactly right in her example. And I was glad that she got the point of my stories. It's funny the things kids pick up on all on their own though.

The Voices
About 2am Paige came into our room and said she couldn't sleep because all the voices were keeping her awake. Those of you who know the history of Paige and this house know that this isn't first time she's mentioned hearing or seeing other people that the rest of us don't see. And you probably also know that I have my own suspicions and fears about the house so her announcement set me right over the edge. I went back and forth wondering if she was schizophrenic or if she could "see dead people." And I really wasn't sure which one scared me more! The next day I asked her what the voices were saying and she said it was things like, "Wake up Paige…It's time to get up…It's morningtime, you have to get dressed." So it wasn't so much "voices" as it was her own "inner voice" or conscience telling her she needed to wake up. Whew!

She also told my mother in law that I think her house smells! Which of course I don't. It's one of the cleanest places on earth! It does smell of smoke and home made potpourri, but certainly there is no way anyone could ever think it smelled due to lack of cleanliness! Man, that girl is trying to get me in trouble!

Back to Work

I was way too tired to do this yesterday, but for those of you who don't already know, it went ok. So far both days the kids have been up before my alarm. Which is nuts! When I was at home they both would sleep until 8 or 9 but now that I'm supposed to get up at 6:30 they're up early too! Anyway yesterday it was Paige that was up early but she just entertained herself. After I leaving Joshy at the daycare I cried and he had a pretty rough time. He cried all morning I'm pretty sure and his afternoon went better. When I got to work my ID didn't work and my computer crashed. I left with a pretty bad headache and I was starving! When we got home I kept holding him up so I could see him and he kept putting his head on my shoulder, I guess he wanted to snuggle!
But today went better. Of course Joshy was up before 6 and had peed all over himself so I had to give him a bath in addition to getting all of us ready. But he was in a pretty good mood overall. He smiled at Kim when we got to the daycare and I didn't cry. And he had a really good day, including taking a 3 hour nap! Things were better at work and I've finally gotten through all 265 emails. So I guess we're both going to be alright. We'll just have to make the most of our time together.

Time

"Baby, what time is it?" "Daddy, it's time!" "Time, tide and trolley wait for no man."
There are lots of quotes about time (challenge to Emma-identify those quotes). Probably because I'm not the first person to want to stop, reverse or speed up time. But there really is no way to do it. At least I haven't found a way. You can't play back the good moments of your life or go backwards to spend time with people gone by. You can't speed things up and get to the good parts faster (like make it be Christmas morning, or time to leave work). And you can't put up a wall and make time stop moving. Which is what I want to do today. I know I should be grateful for the time I had at home, and I am. And I am glad to be going back to a new job instead of the same old, same old. But when I think of having to go back and start this new chapter in my life I feel the panic rising in my chest and I wish I could put up a physical wall to stop the passage of time. Like make a dam to keep time from flowing past. There certainly were days when I was at the end of my rope of sanity. Days when the crying wouldn't stop and I felt trapped by neverending cycle of diaper changes, feedings and spit up. But at least I was there with Paige when she started school and with Joshy as he started life. I've gotten used to this phase and as Ross once said "no one likes change." But change must come because otherwise we'd all be wearing animal skin and living in caves. I should be better at change by now. My life is utterly unrecognizable from how it was this time 10 years ago. So many people have come and gone, so many different changes in direction it's hard to believe I'm still the same person. And maybe I'm not. In fact I know I'm not. And what I know is that no matter how much I want (or don't want) the change, it will come anyway and I will have to deal with it. So I might as well just sit down and relax because the safety bar has snapped into place, the rollercoaster is already headed up the hill and if I keep standing up waving my arms to stop it I'm just going to get hurt. It will be much more enjoyable if I just go with it.

January Sickness

Long before we heard of S.A.D. (seasonal affectice disorder) my friends noticed that around this time of year someone would get the blues, or as we'd call it, "January Sickness." It usually rotated around with different people having it each year. I seem to have a case of it this year and it came on pretty suddenly. Or maybe it's a temporary funk, who knows. It's just a bunch of things: the anniversary the other day and the realization that some people remember my mom better than I do, having to go back to work, having to leave my baby, feeling like the odd man out and out of synch, too many days where Joshy needs to be held all the time and I can't get anything done, feeling like I'm not doing a good job as a parent, tired of listening to the crying and not being able to get the laundry/dishes or anything done, etc. etc, etc. There are so many things to be happy about (lots of new babies, a new job, weddings coming up) and lots of other people that I know who are having a harder time, not to even mention those I don't know suffering the effects of the Tsunami. I realize I have no right to complain and feel bad, but I just feel really trapped lately. Trapped into doing things that I don't want to do, trapped into the same old same old all the time, trapped by not having money right now. And I just don't feel like I fit in these days. My opinions are always different than everyone else's, I'm just off. A round nut in a square world. My 2005 is off to a great start!

6 Years Today

I can't believe it but it's been 6 years today. It was about 7pm and we were eating pork chops with spinach and getting ready to watch Sleepless in Seattle when it all went wrong. 6 years man! It seems like 20 at least. Sometimes life is really unfair.

One Week Left

I can't believe it but I only have one week left to my maternity leave. And I really have mixed feelings. On the one had I am glad to be able to get back to "normal" life where I'll be showering and productive every day. And I'm glad that Joshua will have some structure and he'll be forced to grow up a little and deal with other people and take bottles. But I'm so scared to leave him with someone who doesn't love him with all their heart. Sure his Auntie will be there and she loves him but it's not the same as his mama and Auntie Mary takes care of toddlers not the infants. I am excited about being able to eat all by myself uninterrupted and go to the bathroom without having to find entertainment for everyone in the house first. And it will be good to have money again especially since much more time at home and things would get pretty scary financially, going beyond eating a lot of pasta to getting threatening phone calls. So that will be good to avoid! So I guess when I lay it all out logically being able to afford the house, cars and food while still leaving my child with a loving caretaker is pretty much as good as it can get for me. I will never be someone who can just stay home all the time (unless we win the lottery). And that's fine. I knew that from the beginning. It's just hard when someone else gets to spend 8 hours a day with my beautiful baby and I have to go back to dealing with idiots. Of course they're new idiots because I have a new job. Well..this can go on forever. But the bottom line is I have to go back and although there will be perks I'm still pretty bummed but I'm going to make the best of it because there isn't any other option right now. Now let's just hope I don't cry all day when I drop him off for the first time!

New Year's Day - Hellos

To continue explaining the tradition, this is what happens on the flip side:
Once it becomes the new year and we watch the ball drop, kiss our husbands and regain our composure we say "hello" to all the new things to come in the new year. These are things, like my new job, that will begin in 2005. Or Mary's baby that will come in 2005. There are always those that slip through the cracks, like Joshua. Last New Year's Eve we didn't yet know he was coming so we couldn't say hello to him appropriately. Since he already came in 2004 it's not quite right to say hello to him for 2005 either. But we did say hello so that he was appropriately welcomed. And of course, if you didn't already imagine, each hello and goodbye is done with a sip of our drink. Turns out the goodbyes weren't so bad and we didn't have as many hellos as we expected. Anyway, here's to a much improved 2005 for all!