I've lost the ability to judge...

Is it wrong that I think Dean Martin music is sexy?
Is it wrong to have 3 oatmeal cookies for breakfast? Oats, good. Raisins, good.
Why was Frank Sinatra so popular? He sings like a goodfella.
These are the kinds of questions that go through my mind!

Welcome Julie Samantha!

Born Friday December 2nd. Congratulations to Mom, Dad and both big sisters!
Paige can't wait to meet you!!

Oldies

So as I scan through the stations on the radio and it passes 102.9 I am shocked at what passes as "oldies" lately. I guess this is mostly a problem I have with my perception of what is considered an oldie. To me it does not represent songs that are X number of years old. To me oldies will always be Motown, Doo-wop songs from the early 60s, maybe even a little Bill Haley and other late 50s songs as well. The Platters, the Shirelles, Percy Sledge. An oldie is NOT Cyndi Lauper, the Eurthimics or the Rolling Stones (despite their age). It is not Huey Lewis or Fleetwood Mac. This really isn't a fight against being old, I'm 35 and that's fine. I just think they're categorizing their music in an odd way. Maybe they're changing their image or playlist or whatever it's called. But to me "Big D 103" will always be oldies and those songs just don't fit the bill.

Just another reason why I love my husband

He cleans the cat's butt when she is for some reason unable to do it for herself. Which is surprisingly a lot. She's only 8, but a very unclean cat. In fact the only cat I've ever known that didn't spend it's days cleaning itself. She smells so bad I wouldn't let her in the main part of the house for a day. At night she was in the cellar and during the day she's been outside or on the porch. But tonight is supposed extremely cold and it had to be done. Being pregnant I can't be near the poop end of a cat but also, I wouldn't do that job anyway. And he locks himself in the bathroom with her, requesting paper towels or a cat brush as needed until she comes out soaked and pissed but no longer smelling like poop. Thank god for Chris because you'll never catch me doing that!

Two Stories

So, the other morning Joshua woke up and after a few minutes of listening to him chatter I decided to go get him before he woke up Paige. When I got in there he was BUCK NAKED!!! He had taken his diaper completely off and of course it was poopy. Thankfully he wasn't too bad, nothing a bath couldn't fix. And I guess the sheets weren't too bad either (Chris changed them), mostly it was in the diaper still. Chris said he thinks Joshy just didn't want to sit in the poop anymore.

Last night Paige got a phone call from a boy! She's 6! The phone rang as we were going to pick up Joshy from daycare and when I answered this little voice said "Hi is Paige there?" and I could hear a grown up coaching in the background "ask if Paige is there." At this age you can't tell a boy's voice from a girl's voice so I had no idea. I listed to her say "Cool!" and then I had to know, who was this? She never gets calls and I'm nosy. So I whispered to her "Who is it?" and she whispered back "I have no idea." After she asked she found out it was a boy in her class. Then she said we were going to pick up her brother and the next thing I knew they had hung up. No idea why he called. She of course assumes it was to tell her that he loved her. She insisted we call him back and I think I might have found the right phone number. Although we got a machine. Her message was so cute, "This is Paige. I was going to ask why ____ called me and then I was going to talk. So ok, bye." And so it begins!

Good Times..Not!

So Dad had to evacuate. Well, didn't "have to" but the dividing line is about 2 miles from his house so they decided to go. They left yesterday and traveled up to Tampa. Normally this would only be about 2.5 hours but it took over 5 hours! This doesn't get them too far but at least they're out of South Florida and hopefully far north enough that the storm will come to the south of where they are. If they need to continue further north at least they'll have a jump on driving from home like other people who haven't left. They can only stay in that hotel until Sunday and then they need to check out and now they're saying the storm might not hit until Tuesday. Apparently there are no hotel rooms in Tampa so they'll either have to get in the car and head north with as of now, no place to go, or crash in on Scotty in his 1 bedroom apartment. According to the storm surge maps I found all they need is a direct hit from a Category 2 and the storm surge will be enough that their house will be flooded. They packed winter clothes in case their house is destroyed they'll just head up here. They could be here next week, which will be fine by me because...

Chris is going to Montreal again on Monday. For two weeks. He keeps saying its only one week but I'm mentally preparing for the worst. He's driving so he can come home for the remaining soccer games. But he'll miss the last practice, my birthday and if he is gone 2 weeks he'll miss Joshy's 1st real Halloween. Of the 2 other candidates that could have gone one had a death in the family and the other's wife is having surgery for cancer. I guess my little birthday is no big deal in comparison but I am so stressed about being pregnant and taking care of 2 children while my husband is out of the country!

Costume Dilemmas

So Paige was going to be Kim Possible, as a cheerleader. Which was great, she already has the matching saddle shoes. But remembering the Cinderella fiasco of last year (saying she wanted to be Cinderella, than changing her mind after I bought it) I decided to ask her one more time before ordering the costume. Just make sure it's what she really wants. She hemmed and hawed. I could tell she changed her mind. She was looking at Supergirl, Spidergirl, Jessie the Cowgirl, a witch. Finally she said ok, go with Kim Possible. But I could tell she was just picking it by default. There was something else on her mind. So I ask her, what is it you really want to be but aren't sure about telling me. A power ranger. But not the girl one that's pink, she doesn't like pink anymore. She wants to be the Red one. Fine by me, pretty much. Its cheaper, it's what she wants. Except that it feels a little odd to be getting my daughter something from the "boys" section and wondering if this is just the beginning of a lifetime of that, whatever. But then she starts to cry. What if all the people make fun of her for wearing a boy costume. She's worried about the neighbors! I try to assure her that the 60 year old people on our street will have absolutely NO IDEA what she is, nevermind that the Red one is a boy. My concern is her Halloween party at school. What if she panics that morning and refuses the wear the costume I buy for fear the other kids will make fun of her. And lets face it, kids do that. And Paige panics. This is a reality. What will she wear then? It will be too late to buy or make something else. Nothing from last year fits. I know she likes superheros, I just wish I could find her a girl superhero costume so she won't worry so much or get any grief. Still not sure what to get her and time is running out.

Joshy is going to be Tigger. They're so easy in that respect when they don't talk or have an opinion!

Good Times!

My baby has a heartbeat!
And it's Big E day. Or as we say in our house "Pig E!"
Good times!

Happy...

...belated birthday Tracy!!

...10th Anniversary Sue and Darren!

Happy Birthday...

Tracy!!!!

Answers

Apparently I talk a lot about my life, or my questions were really simple. Probably both.

1. At the Hallmark store in the mall, can't remember what it was called but it was located next to Filene's where a furniture store is currently. Genalco was after this.
2. I sewed straps.
3. Lake Wickabog
4. Point O'Woods
5. Jesse James (boy) or Penelope/Penny (girl)
6. At high school graduation, they ended up sitting next to each other because someone switched seats with one of them to sit where they could see their girlfriend.
7. Dog- Abby, Cat-Muffy who came before Sally was born. Reebok and Maverick were like 10-15 years later.
8. Uncle Ed and Auntie Betty-not to be confused with Auntie Bet. Her name was/is Betty Maznicki and she was related to Matt somehow and she worked with my mom.
9. Uncle Bob is my mother's 1st cousin. Nana August's older sister Eleanor (or Aunt E'nor as we used to call her) was Bob's mother.
10. Yes. I think it was for graduation. But I know it was with Cathy Urian and Roberta!
11. Wendy. And here's a little trivia, Sally's doll was named Linda and Karianne's was Judy I think and Amy had one too. All were identical. Although I will take Sally as an answer as well.
12. 1st best girl friend was Kerri Walsh, 1st best guy friend was Matt Squiers.
13. Uconn 1988-1989, Asnuntuck 1989-1991, Uconn Fall 1991, Year off 1992, Asnuntuck Spring 1993, BayPath 1993-1996. Even I get confused and have had to write it down!
14. Blue house of course!
15. A Reeses Peanut butter cup sundae with chocolate ice cream and all peanut butter, no fudge. Sorry for the non-specifics on this one but I thought it was a classic thing I ordered and would be obvious!
16. cream only
17. In Kindergarten I wanted to be a combo bus driver/teacher. I would bus the kids to school, teach them and then bring them home.
18. I create and maintain the web curriculum for Aetna's traditional (aka NON-HMO) customer service audience. Or a transponster.
19. We went to a cottage called "Villa Costa Lotta" in Ocean Park Maine that was owned by Uncle John's brother Randy. We would go with Randy's daughter Becky because she was my age and a guide to the area and Uncle John's other brother Pete and his family and whoever else he invited along that particular year.
20. The King family farm was on Elm Street running from the edge of the property that is the strip mall to the west, the tree line behind all the businesses on Palomba drive on the east and down to a little brook that separates Tracy's dentist and Bedding Barn to the south. The farmhouse itself sat on Elm Street where Palomba drive is now. It was a dairy farm and he used to deliver milk.

Get to know me game - Part Two

1. Where was my first job?
2. What did I do when working for Genalco?
3. What was the name of the lake where we had the cottage?
4. What was the name of the community where Aunt Lois had her cottage?
5. What were the names my parents thought of for me before deciding on Suzanne Marie?
6. How did my parents meet?
7. What was the name of my first dog? Cat?
8. Who are my godparents?
9. Explain who Uncle Bob is.
10. Was I ever involved in decorating Captain Abbey? If you think yes, describe the circumstances.
11. What was my childhood doll named? (has she been to see you lately Susan?)
12. Who was my first best friend, girl and boy.
13. Name all the colleges I went to in order. Bonus if you get the years!
14. What house was I in at JFK?
15. What would I order at Friendly's?
16. How do I drink my coffee?
17. What was the 1st career I said I wanted to do?
18. What do I do for a living?
19. Where did my family go on vacation every summer and with who? (the more specifics the better)
20. Where was my great grandparents farm in town? What did they grow/raise on the farm?

Turkeys

Just a little wildlife encounter in the backyard in the suburbs! I think we counted eight of them. (Click on the pictures to make them bigger for a better view.)

They came back the next day, here is a close encounter!

Pierced Ears

She finally did it! A little over a month before she turns six Paige decided today was the day to get her ears pierced. Her friend Emily just had them done and told her that it hurt less than a shot. All morning she mustered up the courage and we all trooped down to the mall. Of course that's when the real drama began. Crying, screaming, tantrums and carrying on like a total baby. But she didn't want to leave the store because she did really want to get it done but she was too afraid to do it. We were trapped there with her wanting to do it but too scared to do it. And we took every angle we could with the pep talk- telling her she was tough and strong that we believed she could handle it, down playing the pain, talking up the fun of it all, offering bribes and in the end resorting to shaming her into it. The problem was we knew she really wanted to do it and would be very disappointed if she chickened out. On the way over in the car she was dancing in her chair and singing a "I'm getting my ears pierced" song. So we didn't want to let the fear win. And we were going to do anything we could to help her get what she wanted. But it was a tough road, lasting hours, filled with embarrassment and many trips out of the store and back in. Thankfully the girls were very patient and helpful. I never saw them roll their eyes once! So here she is, Miss America.

Damn Fools

Do you know what bothers me about smoking? Well I supposed I have, obviously, many reasons. The first one is that I saw my mother bleed to death, out of her mouth, becuase the lung cancer ate through her aorta and it exploded. Code blue, lights flashing, people running, and blood everywhere. The last look on my mother's face to me that of helpless, scared confusion. I guess that would be the number one reason why I hate it. I have to live with that image forever. Oh, and now you do too. Good! Maybe it will make you stop smoking. But that's just it. All the idiots that I care about, who knew and cared for my mother are still smoking. (With one exception of Sonja, apparantly the smartest person I know.) But seriously, what is it with the escapism?!?!?! Life gets stressful, and people drop everything to smoke. Oh man the kids are driving me crazy...I'm going to smoke. I'm having such a hard day at work...I'm going to smoke. But you know what the rest of us have to do when life gets stressful? DEAL WITH IT! Through hard times and bad days and death and crisis. The rest of us just have to cope and handle it and carry on with nothing more than the mental capacity we were given at birth. I'm so sick of people taking a break from their lives to do something that will certainly kill them but will also, NOT REDUCE THEIR STRESS. It just makes you a more edgey, stressed out kind of a person. Hello?? What is there not to get. Why is this so freaking hard?!?!?!

I know I'm on a Harry Potter binge and all right now but if I could just take the memory and the vision of that night and the days that followed of sleeplessness and wretching and feeling more alone than I ever knew possible and put it into Dumbledore's Pensieve for others to watch and experience I'm pretty sure we'd have solved the smoking problem in this country.

Queen Latifah

The one thing Chris and I didn't mention about the trip was that Queen Latifah was staying in our hotel just 3 rooms down. Chris thought he might have seen her a few times, but then again maybe not. She stayed the same days we did. The kid in the hotel told us she was coming there the night we arrived. And as we left we saw the Cover Girl truck with her picture on it driving away too. Pretty cool.

Dada

My kid starts talking and he won't stop. Who'd have guessed?!
Yes, that's right. He said Dada in the same day! At least he said Mama first. Now he won't stop: "Mamamamamama Dadadadadaddadada Mamamamamama Dadadadadada"

Mama

Joshy said "Mama!" He had been close to it for a few days now, maybe a week or so actually. Saying "amah" and things like that. But today while waiting for his waffles in his high chair he said it twice, very clearly. Mama, Mama. The sweetest sound in the world!

Lofty Aspirations

Paige just announced that she wants to be a chef and a scientist when she grows up. Her words were, "On Saturday I could go cooking and on Monday I could do experiments." Sounds good to me!

Skunk

Last night while Chris and I were packing the van for camping we both turned to look at the porch and there was a skunk walking out of the house! Now there was a box blocking the view of the step from where we were standing so we can't be sure if it actually went into the house or not. I didn't see any footprints on the floor or anything that would indicate it had been inside. But it at least was right up to the door way. The door was open, Joshy was in his crib upstairs and Paige was in the tub. It was only about 8:30/9pm not very late at all for a nocturnal animal. Barely dark. I just freaked out and kept saying "Oh my God!" but it walked away and never noticed us. After that, we left the door shut! We're not even in the woods yet and already we're having problems with animals!

He's ok

Dad is out of his 2nd surgery and doing well. Going to be a LONG recovery since he hadn't even healed from the first. But at least he's out and ok. Phew!

Bored

That's it. Got nothing.

Trying again

Made a new site for pictures. Check it out!
http://spaces.msn.com/members/tetropics/

Taking the Blog Down

The anger that builds in my head when I see that name just isn't worth having a place to vent and to share pictures of my kids with family who live far away. You win. I'll take it down tomorrow. This will give you plenty more time to insult me and a chance for anyone else to read my blog who hasn't yet today. Good job. Proved my point from the last entry exactly. Another insensitive asshole out there in the world manipulating the good people. How proud you must be.

I hate people!

I would guess I use this phrase at least once a day. Probably more. I really do. I 'm so sick of all these self-important, self-involved people who see others as nothing more than mere obstacles in the way of their life. You know who I mean. People who don't slow down and nearly run you off the road in their vehicles. People who cut in front of you, forcing you to stop short while walking. (Yesterday the same family made us stop TWICE while walking in Mystic. Once when they cut in front of Chris and once when they cut in front of me. They actually had to weave in between a family of 4, pushing a stroller??) These are the people in the grocery store who keep on their course like the North or South Going Zax and make me move out of their way while I'm holding groceries, an 8 month hold and trying to corral my 5 year old. What is it with people? Where did consideration go? Like why when I was pregnant did I have to hold the door open for men in public places? I really did. Enormous baby belly, walking in to work and they let me hold the door for them. I'm serious, it is so frustrating! It really is like these people see other people as nothing more than some "thing" in their way that they need to maneuver around, like a parked car or a cone in the road. I think I'm going to start telling them too. "Oh I'm sorry? Let me get out of your way, I'm sure you're way more important than I am anyway!" Or maybe I'll just start swinging!

So far so good

Haven't gotten the official all clear but the mammogram and ultrasound looked good. They didn't do a biopsy. Just need to compare my old mammogram with the new ones. Hopefully then I'll get the all clear.

Starting to Freak!

So the day my mom found out she had cancer was a hot day in July. Remember it completely. And she was dead 6 months later. Really starting to loose it. I know I shouldn't panic until I have a "reason" to. But isn't having a mammogram and biopsy sort of reason enough? I mean, they don't do those things on a whim or for no reason. And 6 months is before Christmas!! I'm taking deep breaths as if I'm in Lamaze class and it is keeping the diarrhea away (at least so far) but I'm not really in a good place right now. I hear Allison Janney as Peach the Starfish in Finding Nemo screaming "Find your happy place, find your happy place, FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE!"

A Good Day

Dad is out of surgery and doing well! Phew!
And Joshy spent all night last night in his crib! Wahoo!
Things are going well today! I'm so happy for both of them!

Happy Birthday Kate!

Today would have been Katharine Houghton Hepburn's 98th birthday. Although for years she claimed that her birthday was in November it was in fact May 12, 1907. November was her brother Tom's birthday, he died when she was 14 and she pretended that his birthday was hers as sort of a tribute to him. Wherever she is I hope she's having a good time!

He has to go

That's all I've got to say about that.

Modern Signs of Spring

Back in the day people measured the coming of spring by such things as when the crocus blossoms, when the robins return, when buds appear on trees and when a young man's "fancy" turns to love. Frankly I have no idea what a crocus looks like, I don't have time to squint at every bird I see to determine if it's a robin and in my experience a young man's fancy is rarely swayed from "love." Here then are some modern signs of spring:

1. the start of baseball spring training
2. street sweepers cleaning up the winter's leftover mess
3. the arrival of Shamrock shakes at McDonald's
4. Easter dresses on sale
5. Peeps in the grocery store
6. cars lined up at the airport post office to drop off their tax return

Of course this all culminates in "Leaf Day" - the day my father says all the leaves are out on the trees and it looks like summer. Which is approximately May 10th from our observations over the years. I swear I used to have more of these but I can't think of them anymore. Let me know if you can think of others.

Likes

The dislike list came out a while ago. Here are some likes:

1. Sunflowers
2. Feeling fancy
3. Feeling pretty
4. Shopping
5. Coffee
6. Tea
7. Being a mom
8. Being in my 30s
9. Old movies
10. People with common sense
11. People who understand sarcasm
12. Snow days
13. A clean kitchen
14. Family night
15. Snuggling with my kids
16. Feeling intelligent
17. Driving at night and singing with the girls
18. Reminiscing
19. Mocking stupidity (I know it's mean, but it's true!)
20. Going to the beach with my family
21. Vacations
22. Fall foliage
23. The West Wing
24. Matthew McConaughey
25. Breakfast foods
26. Christmas Eve driving home late at night when it feels magical
27. Reading
28. Being right
29. Clean sheets
30. The smell of Easter flowers (and I specifically mean tulips, hyacinths, etc. because other flower smells remind me of the funeral home and death)
31. Saturday afternoons
32. Pancakes and bagels and eggs and hashbrowns and muffins and breads and...oh yeah, see #25
33. Driving around with no particular place to go, just seeing the sights, sipping a latte and having a good conversation
34. dusk

Cutest Kids in the World!

I have the two cutest kids in the world!! Check them out!


What a stud!

So beautiful! 

Location Location Location

My sister is looking for suggestions as to where she can have her wedding. Obviously in the local CT area. She's looking for outside, perhaps this October and trying to stay away from the more mainstream banquet-hallish type places. So if any of you can think of a place to have both the ceremony and reception (at the same place but not exactly the same exact location) let me know and I'll pass it on.

Wedding Bells

My sister is engaged!! Congratulations to Sally and Steve!! We're so excited! A year after they reunited Steve proposed, with what is reported to be quite a ring! =) We wish you, and Zachary all the happiness in the world as you officially become a family.

The Soccer Mom

Here are some shots of the new vehicle. I wasn't able to get a picture before took it's toll when it looked perfect, but you can imagine.

Another angle

New Van 

The Dislikes List

I know I'm really late in the game, and I'm sure there are lots more but here goes for now:

1. Death
2. That choking sound
3. Feeling like an orphan - by this I mean having almost no one left around me that is my family or my friends and no place I can go to feel like I'm at home away from home.
4. Grown ups who call their parents mommy and daddy (or who refer to themselves this way to their grown children)
5. People who use lingo when speaking
6. Sprite or diet soda
7. Squishy foods like cherry tomatoes
8. Getting puked on
9. Pushing a baby out
10. Rap music
11. Hearing too much base coming from someone else's car stereo when in your own car
12. People who say they're going "to prom" or going to wait "on line." It is going "to THE prom" and you wait "in a line."
13. People who act as if they know everything.
14. Getting sand stuck all over me at the beach
15. People who don't get out of your way but make you get out of their way
16. People who walk quickly up behind you and force you to move out of the way
17. When there is pee on the toilet at work. We're grown women people!
18. When people don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom
19. Messed up couch cushions
20. clutter on the table or the hutch
21. Dishes in the sink when there is plenty of room in the dishwasher, a mere foot away
22. Clothes on the floor, again mere feet from the hamper
23. My skin aka feeling like a freak
24. Peer pressure
25. People who don't even try to help themselves before I saying "I can't"
26. The oversexed women on the Levitra and Overstock.com commercials

Four Months Old

Look at me, I'm Mr. America

Words Women Use…and what they mean

"Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
"Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
"Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
"Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
"Loud Sigh"
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"That’s Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
"Thanks"
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it; just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Paige-isms from the weekend

As I did with my mother she hates it when I talk about her, so I'm just going to post this for those of you who haven't heard it yet. This way I will still get to tell people the cute and funny things she says and she won't feel weird listening to me talk about her. Here are 2 great stories from this weekend.

Martin Luther King Day
I was trying to give Paige and appreciation of the man, the holiday and why she had the day off of school. And if you know me you know that "justice for ALL" is a big thing with me. I could not agree more with Dr King's statement of judging a man by the content of his character not the color of his skin. And because of certain events in my past it is really important that I teach this lesson to my children. That said, I was telling her about how there were separate schools and separate restaurants and punctuating each of these with "Isn't that CRAZY?!" And Paige would say, "Yeah, that's CRAZY!!" And so when I was finished she said, "So like if we were out to eat with Daddy, because you know-Daddy is kinda black, only let's pretend that Daddy wasn't just kinda black, let's pretend he was all black, and they said we couldn't eat with Daddy, that would be CRAZY!" I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants! I let her know that Daddy isn't black, he's "olive" skinned. But she was exactly right in her example. And I was glad that she got the point of my stories. It's funny the things kids pick up on all on their own though.

The Voices
About 2am Paige came into our room and said she couldn't sleep because all the voices were keeping her awake. Those of you who know the history of Paige and this house know that this isn't first time she's mentioned hearing or seeing other people that the rest of us don't see. And you probably also know that I have my own suspicions and fears about the house so her announcement set me right over the edge. I went back and forth wondering if she was schizophrenic or if she could "see dead people." And I really wasn't sure which one scared me more! The next day I asked her what the voices were saying and she said it was things like, "Wake up Paige…It's time to get up…It's morningtime, you have to get dressed." So it wasn't so much "voices" as it was her own "inner voice" or conscience telling her she needed to wake up. Whew!

She also told my mother in law that I think her house smells! Which of course I don't. It's one of the cleanest places on earth! It does smell of smoke and home made potpourri, but certainly there is no way anyone could ever think it smelled due to lack of cleanliness! Man, that girl is trying to get me in trouble!

Back to Work

I was way too tired to do this yesterday, but for those of you who don't already know, it went ok. So far both days the kids have been up before my alarm. Which is nuts! When I was at home they both would sleep until 8 or 9 but now that I'm supposed to get up at 6:30 they're up early too! Anyway yesterday it was Paige that was up early but she just entertained herself. After I leaving Joshy at the daycare I cried and he had a pretty rough time. He cried all morning I'm pretty sure and his afternoon went better. When I got to work my ID didn't work and my computer crashed. I left with a pretty bad headache and I was starving! When we got home I kept holding him up so I could see him and he kept putting his head on my shoulder, I guess he wanted to snuggle!
But today went better. Of course Joshy was up before 6 and had peed all over himself so I had to give him a bath in addition to getting all of us ready. But he was in a pretty good mood overall. He smiled at Kim when we got to the daycare and I didn't cry. And he had a really good day, including taking a 3 hour nap! Things were better at work and I've finally gotten through all 265 emails. So I guess we're both going to be alright. We'll just have to make the most of our time together.

Time

"Baby, what time is it?" "Daddy, it's time!" "Time, tide and trolley wait for no man."
There are lots of quotes about time (challenge to Emma-identify those quotes). Probably because I'm not the first person to want to stop, reverse or speed up time. But there really is no way to do it. At least I haven't found a way. You can't play back the good moments of your life or go backwards to spend time with people gone by. You can't speed things up and get to the good parts faster (like make it be Christmas morning, or time to leave work). And you can't put up a wall and make time stop moving. Which is what I want to do today. I know I should be grateful for the time I had at home, and I am. And I am glad to be going back to a new job instead of the same old, same old. But when I think of having to go back and start this new chapter in my life I feel the panic rising in my chest and I wish I could put up a physical wall to stop the passage of time. Like make a dam to keep time from flowing past. There certainly were days when I was at the end of my rope of sanity. Days when the crying wouldn't stop and I felt trapped by neverending cycle of diaper changes, feedings and spit up. But at least I was there with Paige when she started school and with Joshy as he started life. I've gotten used to this phase and as Ross once said "no one likes change." But change must come because otherwise we'd all be wearing animal skin and living in caves. I should be better at change by now. My life is utterly unrecognizable from how it was this time 10 years ago. So many people have come and gone, so many different changes in direction it's hard to believe I'm still the same person. And maybe I'm not. In fact I know I'm not. And what I know is that no matter how much I want (or don't want) the change, it will come anyway and I will have to deal with it. So I might as well just sit down and relax because the safety bar has snapped into place, the rollercoaster is already headed up the hill and if I keep standing up waving my arms to stop it I'm just going to get hurt. It will be much more enjoyable if I just go with it.

January Sickness

Long before we heard of S.A.D. (seasonal affectice disorder) my friends noticed that around this time of year someone would get the blues, or as we'd call it, "January Sickness." It usually rotated around with different people having it each year. I seem to have a case of it this year and it came on pretty suddenly. Or maybe it's a temporary funk, who knows. It's just a bunch of things: the anniversary the other day and the realization that some people remember my mom better than I do, having to go back to work, having to leave my baby, feeling like the odd man out and out of synch, too many days where Joshy needs to be held all the time and I can't get anything done, feeling like I'm not doing a good job as a parent, tired of listening to the crying and not being able to get the laundry/dishes or anything done, etc. etc, etc. There are so many things to be happy about (lots of new babies, a new job, weddings coming up) and lots of other people that I know who are having a harder time, not to even mention those I don't know suffering the effects of the Tsunami. I realize I have no right to complain and feel bad, but I just feel really trapped lately. Trapped into doing things that I don't want to do, trapped into the same old same old all the time, trapped by not having money right now. And I just don't feel like I fit in these days. My opinions are always different than everyone else's, I'm just off. A round nut in a square world. My 2005 is off to a great start!

6 Years Today

I can't believe it but it's been 6 years today. It was about 7pm and we were eating pork chops with spinach and getting ready to watch Sleepless in Seattle when it all went wrong. 6 years man! It seems like 20 at least. Sometimes life is really unfair.

One Week Left

I can't believe it but I only have one week left to my maternity leave. And I really have mixed feelings. On the one had I am glad to be able to get back to "normal" life where I'll be showering and productive every day. And I'm glad that Joshua will have some structure and he'll be forced to grow up a little and deal with other people and take bottles. But I'm so scared to leave him with someone who doesn't love him with all their heart. Sure his Auntie will be there and she loves him but it's not the same as his mama and Auntie Mary takes care of toddlers not the infants. I am excited about being able to eat all by myself uninterrupted and go to the bathroom without having to find entertainment for everyone in the house first. And it will be good to have money again especially since much more time at home and things would get pretty scary financially, going beyond eating a lot of pasta to getting threatening phone calls. So that will be good to avoid! So I guess when I lay it all out logically being able to afford the house, cars and food while still leaving my child with a loving caretaker is pretty much as good as it can get for me. I will never be someone who can just stay home all the time (unless we win the lottery). And that's fine. I knew that from the beginning. It's just hard when someone else gets to spend 8 hours a day with my beautiful baby and I have to go back to dealing with idiots. Of course they're new idiots because I have a new job. Well..this can go on forever. But the bottom line is I have to go back and although there will be perks I'm still pretty bummed but I'm going to make the best of it because there isn't any other option right now. Now let's just hope I don't cry all day when I drop him off for the first time!

New Year's Day - Hellos

To continue explaining the tradition, this is what happens on the flip side:
Once it becomes the new year and we watch the ball drop, kiss our husbands and regain our composure we say "hello" to all the new things to come in the new year. These are things, like my new job, that will begin in 2005. Or Mary's baby that will come in 2005. There are always those that slip through the cracks, like Joshua. Last New Year's Eve we didn't yet know he was coming so we couldn't say hello to him appropriately. Since he already came in 2004 it's not quite right to say hello to him for 2005 either. But we did say hello so that he was appropriately welcomed. And of course, if you didn't already imagine, each hello and goodbye is done with a sip of our drink. Turns out the goodbyes weren't so bad and we didn't have as many hellos as we expected. Anyway, here's to a much improved 2005 for all!