White Bread

So at my Uncle's funeral, well afterwards at the "party" or whatever you call it when people come and eat my mother's cousin (whom shall luckily remain nameless) came over to where my sister and I were sitting with our families and friends. She started talking to my sister first and I assumed it was the general "How are you? Isn't this sad? How old are your kids now?" conversation. Although I could see Sally making a face at her while she spoke so I leaned over to Tracy and nudged her and said "I wonder what is going on there? Look at Sally's face." Well next she came to me and said that my sister and I have such pretty faces and if we stop eating white bread the rest of it will follow. I looked wide-eyed over to Sally who nodded wide-eyed back as if to say "Yes, this is really happening." The cousin, who is at least in her upper 60s or maybe even in her early 70s went on to tell me that she got up to 190 pounds (big woo) and when she stopped eating white bread (which isn't good for you by the way, it does bad things to your system, get some nice multigrain bread at Stop & Shop, it tastes very good, but don't eat it every day, do every other day) she went back to being thin (which she has been all her life). And now that she's not slapping butter or peanut butter on white bread every night she has been able to stay thin. This of course didn't stop her from going to the dessert table.

When she walked away I took most of my enormous roll and shoved it all into my mouth like a 10 year old. And then I proceeded to have 12 beers (light of course!) over the course of the rest of the day and blab that story to as many family members as I could. I mean seriously, does she think that what I needed when my beloved uncle died was advice on how I could be less fat? I guess she gestured around her stomach to Sally and said something like "This...isn't doing anyone any good." Except for at a Weight Watchers meeting or perhaps if someone came crying to you about not being able to lose weight I cannot imagine a time when this would have been appropriate. But that moment was maybe the least appropriate of all.

Now I don't feel bad about not calling her back last year when she called to say congratulations on having Ally.